Larry David very rarely gives interviews. I found this on the internet a year or so ago. I think it must be from around 1994. If anyone how to get in touch with Laugh Factory Magazine, I would appreciate the information.

Laugh Factory: I guess the first question should be why you granted us this
interview. You're not known as someone who enjoys talking to the press.

Larry David: You consider yourself the press?

LF: Well, I don't expect to attend any White House news conferences, but you
know what I mean. I'm honored that you've granted us this interview.

LD: You're an attractive man, why shouldn't I let you interview me.

LF: You're too kind.

LD: I'm well aware of that.

LF: Let me start by asking you the obvious questions.

LD: That sounds like an excellent strategy. Fire away.

LF: How has the huge success of "Seinfeld" affected your life?

LD: Huge success. Right, huge success. I'm a huge success, huh?

LF: By most conventional definitions, yes.

LD: The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants
in stores anymore. I can just call up and they'll bring the pants right
over to my house. That's no small thing. Trying on pants is one of the
most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

LF: Speaking of women, you got married last year.

LD: Yeah.

LF: It's nice you don't wear your enthusiasm on your sleeve.

LD: What can I say. It's a good thing but it's not like I'm blazing any
new trails here. I mean, millions of people are married. I've never
picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"

LF: You got married in Las Vegas. That seems like an odd choice for the
creator of "Seinfeld."

LD: Why?

LF: Well, you've got this show which is so closely associated with N.Y. and
which defines hip for a lot of viewers...

LD: Where should I have gotten married -- Zabar's? We decided to get
married on the spur of the moment, so where can you go besides Vegas?

LF: Did you gamble while you were there?

LD: Oh yeah, Laurie and I went nuts. Like in that Albert Brooks movie
(Lost in America). We lost everything we had. That's the only reason
I'm still working on the show. It's gonna take years to pay off our
gambling debts.

LF: You're also expecting your first child soon.

LD: That's amazing, isn't it? I've led this empty life for over forty
years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will
continue for at least one more generation.

LF: That's a pretty bleak assessment, even coming from you. I mean
you're a newlywed, your first baby is on the way and you just moved into
a beautiful new house. Surely you must see a ray of light somewhere.

LD: Take it easy. When did you lose your sense of humor? I'm actually
pretty happy.

LF: My first scoop -- Larry David happy!

LD: I must point out however that this happiness only magnifies the utter
waste my life has been up until now. I'd also like to point out that my
new house was nearly destroyed by the Malibu fires the day before we
moved in.

LF: And that would have put you right back in your usual state of despair.

LD: Not really. I was actually kind of hoping it would burn down. I mean,
we hadn't moved anything in yet. Some TV news guy could have interviewed
me the next day going through the rubble and I would just be shrugging my
shoulders saying, "Actually, we had no memories here. I'm just trying to
find this phone number I think I might have dropped somewhere."

LF: Do you ever worry that this new found sense of well-being will sap
your sense of humor out of you?

LD: Believe me, that's not a concern. I have no sense of well-being.
There's no chance the well will run dry. Are you going to ask a lot
more personal questions? I don't think anyone really is interested in
reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
I thought you were going to ask me a lot of stuff about the show.

LF: We'll get to that. Your career is somewhat unusual by Hollywood
standards. You didn't come up through the ranks in the usual sense --
writer, producer, show runner. How do you explain your successes?

LD: What, you don't think I've earned it?

LF: Yeah, that's exactly what I meant -- you're a big phony. Look, you
didn't travel the prescribed route to get where you are. You "broke the
rules" to coin a phrase. How did that happen?

LD: Well obviously I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the
first place. The network was already committed to doing something with
him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. Believe me, if
I had gone to NBC on my own, with an idea, say, about a blind deli man,
I don't think you'd be interviewing me.

LF: That's admirable modesty, but there's more to this than being in the
right place at the right time.

LD: To be honest with you, I think the only thing that really worked in my
favor, is that right from the beginning I really didn't give a (expletive)
whether or not the show was a success. That's not to say I didn't want to
do good work, but I wasn't about to let myself be judged by network
standards. When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with
complete freedom.

LF: Since success means so little to you, can we assume your Emmy is just
gathering dust in the basement?

LD: Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very
casual about it. I also like to work it into the conversation whenever I
can like, "Oh, I remember that game, it was two days after the Emmys."
Or "I'm sorry I can't go out tonight. I dropped my Emmy on my foot."

LF: Like that old Jackie Vernon bit about him trying to impress girls at
the beach saying things like, "Excuse me, I seem to have lost my
Congressional Medal of Honor. That's alright. I have another one at home."

LD: (mock angry and bellowing) What are you saying? That I'm ripping off
Jackie Vernon? I don't have to take this. We're the number three rated
show in the whole country and when that syndication money comes rolling in,
I'll buy you and your lousy magazine. I'm Larry David!

LF: That's very impressive. If they ever do a remake of Citizen Kane, you
the man.

LD: As you know, acting is my true love. I have to make sure I keep my
instrument finely tuned.

LF: You're kidding, but you actually have acted in the past from "Fridays"
to "Saturday Night Live" to a couple of Woody Allen films ("Radio Days" and
"Another Woman").

LD: I think the sum total of all those performances is about 20 minutes.

LF: What was it like working with Woody Allen?

LD: Yeah, I was really working with Woody Allen. He was constantly
badgering me for advice. I couldn't be bothered.

LF: You didn't talk to him at all?

LD: What was there to talk about, the nuance of my performance? Like I'm
gonna go up to him while he's talking to Sven Nyquist and ask him which
hand to hold the coffee in.

LF: What about stand-up? Do you miss it at all?

LD: Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just
feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about -- people
and laughter.

LF: I'll take that as a no.

LD: Yeah, I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for
twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say
a few dollars more.

LF: You always had a reputation, deservedly so, of the ultimate comic's
comic. The one guy who all the other comedians would run into the room
to see.

LD: You're saying I sucked.

LF: No, if I had wanted to say that I would have said, "You had a
reputation as a guy who sucked." So you have no pleasant memories
at all from your stand-up days?

LD: Oh sure, in the old days...hanging out with the other comics
exchanging notes...late night bull sessions at the coffee shop...all the
drugs and women.

LF: Really? It's kind of hard for me to picture you as a druggie.

LD: But you have no problem picturing me with a lot of women.

LF: Well...

LD: Because let me tell you something, I've had more than my share. Even
back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
Especially in a bald man. Women love a self-confident bald man. Anyone
can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man --
there's your diamond in the rough.

LF: In your acceptance speech at the Emmys you said, "This is all well and
good, but I'm still bald." Was that just a flip remark or does your lack
of hair really weigh that heavily on you?

LD: It was a flip remark.

LF: Would you ever consider transplants?

LD: No, but you did.

LF: Let's move on. You won your Emmy for your story about masturbation,
"The Contest." That's not a topic usually dealt with on TV, much less in
a sitcom. Why did you decide it would be appropriate for "Seinfeld?"

LD: You write about what you know.

LF: The show has come under some criticism for relying too heavily on sex
and bodily functions. How do you respond to that?

LD: You write about what you know.

LF: Since you're now married and starting a family, should we look for any
changes in the show's content? I've often heard it said that you should
write about what you know.

LD: Yes, we're already planning some major changes along those lines for
next season. Elaine will have twins and be forced to deal with the issues
confronting a working mother in the nineties. Kramer's parents will move
in with him. Jerry will be torn between two women but will end up marrying
the black one so we can really examine racism in an urban environment.

LF: What about George?

LD: George will screw one of his mother's friends. Sometimes you have to
rely on sex and bodily functions.

LF: What are your plans when the show is over?

LD: Hey, I just play 'em one at a time, you know. I don't want to get
caught looking ahead.

LF: Thanks coach. I take it you don't care to discuss your future?

[At this point, for no discernible reason, Larry breaks into a few bars of
"Proud Mary."]

LF: Was that the Credence or the Tina Turner version?

LD: I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up
out of the depths of my soul.

LF: There are so many undiscovered layers to you.

LD: It's pretty amazing isn't it? I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a
dying breed.

LF: What else does the public not know about Larry David?

LD: I'm devoutly religious.

LF: No you're not.

LD: But the public doesn't know that. I think this interview is going
really well.

LF: I guess we've gotten a little sideways here. I blame myself.

LD: That's good because I have no room to blame myself for anything. The
only way I could blame myself for this would be to absolve myself of guilt
for something else and I could never live with myself if I did that. Not
that I was ever really comfortable living with myself in the first place.

LF: I hate to say this, but that sounds a little...

LD: Seinfeldian! See, that's the genius of the show. We're so real!

LF: I thought the genius was that it was a show about nothing.

LD: C'mon baby, get hip. That was last year.

LF: Touche.

LD: Damn! I wanted to say touche. It's a great way to make someone think
they said something clever even if you don't mean it. If someone says to
you, "Why don't you go (expletive) yourself," you simply respond, "Touche,"
and you're out of there.

LF: I get the feeling I'm wearing out my welcome.

LD: Touche.